God is good

Wow what a year it has been.  I have changed jobs after nine years at my previous place of employment. We are in the process of selling our home and finding a new one. We have had to put our cat down with the looming possibility of having to put our dog down within the week. My dad died just 3 days after thanksgiving and we welcomed our second grandchild (granddaughter) into the world. Life can seem to be so unfair at times and very overwhelming. This is why I have to  keep my eyes on the prize of heaven, and run the race to reach the prize. I will meet my savior face to face and be with Him forever! No pain, no tears no sin and nothing to worry about! I cannot wait for that moment.  The journey can get hard but it still does not compare to what Jesus did for you and me. I tend to get selfish and say it is not fair but in reality it is very fair.  I deserve all that comes at me where Jesus deserved none of it.  He was sinless and yet died the most discriminating death ever.  There is none that are good, not one. There is no such thing as a good person or bad person. We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  But Jesus came perfect with no sin and took our place and became our stand-in sacrifice so we could have the chance to live with Him forever.  Our part is to ask Him into our hearts and turn from our ways and try to live as Christ lived.  God is so awesome and so good to us, who do not deserve it.  I am so thankful and excited for the day I get to go to meet Him and live with Him forever.  As hard as it has been in my life, I can rejoice because of the hope I have in Christ.  This has all happened to show me that I cannot do it on my own and I need to trust God to take care of me and trust that He has my best interest in mind.  I may not see it or feel He does but He really does.  After all He sees the whole picture where I only see a little snip.  All this to say that I am looking ahead to the prize and hope you are too.  There is nothing this earth offers that could come close to what is waiting for us in heaven.  Oh what a day that is going to be. I just cannot wait! So excited!  By the way I love my new job and it is truly a blessing from God!  I have always heard that if you love your job you will never work a day in your life, that is true! 

Growing

     Life has a funny way of growing us all!  I am currently enrolled in an online school to become a counselor.  I am looking to new possibilities for my future.  I am also thrown a curve ball yesterday, in the form of our getting the news that one or our cats is in kidney failure.  Now I have some hard decisions to make.  I want to just curl up into a ball and give up on life at times but then there are times that I am so excited about the possibilities of what my future holds.  God is shaping and molding me as well as filling and using me.  How do I continue when at times it feels like life is pressing down all around me?  By keeping my focus on my savior even in the midst of some very difficult times.  I also know when I get into this state of mind it is because I am becoming selfish and not putting my focus on God.  I am so thankful that God is very gracious and merciful to me to continues to draw me unto Himself and forgive me every time I forget about Him.  I tend to have God amnesia often as Ann Voskamp puts it.  I am learning to eurichisto daily but it is hard for me to do.  I am learning to thank God in the midst of trials on a daily occasion. 
     On the other hand I am relishing in the beauty of reconciliation with my mom.  It has been a good year for us and we are building on our relationship.  I did a surprise birthday party for her this year as it was her 70th birthday.  I also spent a day with her over mothers day weekend and was able to just relax with her.  I look forward to many more times together to build our relationship. 
     My husband and I are intentionally working on our relationship in a deeper way and praying about what our near future holds for us.  I am feeling the rustling of the leaves, if you will, of new happenings.  We will see what is going to come about.   
     All this to show how life has its ups and downs but as long as we stay focused on God, He will be right by our side to guide us the entire way.  What He has started He will complete.  I cannot wait for my completion!  That will be the day I will be with my savior in heaven.  Oh what a day that will be!  God bless you in all you are doing.  If you do not believe and have questions find someone that can answer them for you.  I am always available to tell my story and always answer questions.  If I cannot answer your questions I will get the answers for you.  God is so wonderful in spite of what we all believe. 

A New Me

     I have been excited to be able to sit and blog for a few weeks now, but once I get the chance to do it I go blank, well here goes nothing. LOL! 
     My life has taken a few turns in the past 5 years.  I have lost a brother in a freak accident, been estranged and reconciled to my mother and siblings, lost a fur pet, lost a few very dear friends and now am in the process of school for Christian counseling.  I have been through some major changes at work as well as within myself.  I have been learning the counseling process and applying it to myself as well as trying to be able to help others.  I have found a new love for the scriptures, a new love for my savior and I am finding a new love for myself.  God has really changed my heart.  I have been praying for a heart that is no longer stone but of clay that God can mold, make, fill and use.  That process is painful but also beautiful.
       I can look back and see how God has been shaping and molding me for his purposes.  I have not been this excited about something in a very long time.  I have dreams that I long to live out now and am very bright eyed to see what the near future holds. 
     This next chapter in my life that God is working on, and what I long to have worked out, is my emotional state.  I have not grieved any of the losses I have endured for the last 25 years or more.  I do not know how to grieve!  I want to be able to do this and do this well.  I have not grieved the losses of my own babies, my grandmother, my brother, my in-laws, my dear friends or my fur babies.  It scares me to a point because I don't know what it will look like to grieve.  I have 2 celebrations of life within a week of each other this weak.  I need to do this for closure but I am also nervous.  I don't know what will happen if I truly grieve this!  What will it look like?  I don't know if it will also be a spill over of all the losses I have not grieved.  I told my counselor once, that I was afraid to let my feelings out and I am still afraid to let them out.  I see myself standing in front of a door that is bulging at all its seams with some spillage, but I am still trying with all my might to keep it closed.  I truly long to have this door open and to feel again, but it is a scary step for me as I see everything spilling out on top of me and burying me. Until I can climb out of the spillage what is it going to entail?  I don't want to be buried again but I want to be able to be free to feel again. 

     I truly believe as I learn to be vulnerable and long to help people, that God will change my heart and he will bring healing to my emotions as well.  This will bring healing to my grievous heart that I have not let out and it will hopefully also bring healing to my emotions in all other areas of my life.  This song by Plumb is truly where I am now and cant wait to see what God does next in my life and the life of others around me.                                                                                                                  

Reconciled!

It has been about a month now that my mother, my husband and myself have been reconciled. What a blessing! If you would have asked me two months ago if I thought we would be reconciled I would have told you i'm not so sure. I had hope but I also was very skeptical. Our first get together to work on the reconciliation was very cold, guarded and body language said it was not going to happen.  But with some work in between the two meetings and much prayer my eyes have been opened and my heart has been molded a little more into the image of my savior Jesus Christ.  My heart hurts for my mother, knowing what she has been through! She  thinks she has dealt with it.  Through the counseling we have been through for this reconciliation I was enlightened to how my mother learned to deal with her own hurts, frustration, let downs and pain.  She would push it out of her conscience to the point that she cannot remember things. Her saying is "just forgive and forget and move on".  But I have also learned that you cannot move on if all you do is bury it.  I tried that for many years and it got me nowhere except very closed off and depressed.  I still have not been able to show emotion or deal with my emotions. But my heart is melting for my mother!  I see myself holding her heart in my hands. It is a very small heart like that of a child.  I want to protect it and guard it.  I just want to hold it close to my heart forever.  I pray that she is able to "deal" with all of this to set her truly free.  I just cant get past the hurt that I have for her.  Believe me that was not the deal just two short months ago.  I did not understand why my mother was not there for me and did not protect me from the hurts and why she can remember telling me things.  I was so angry at her for allowing the things that I went through to happen to me.  Even when she said she had thought something was going on but did not think it was that bad.  My question was "how bad does it have to be before you protect your children"? Now I realize she could not be there. She has checked out and is just surviving.   I hurt for her!  I wish I could take all the hurt and throw it away for her, but I cannot do that.  What she does not know now, is this is a part of her and God will use it to bless her once she truly deals with it.  I hope she does not have the flash backs as I have had, but true freedom from the crummy past that she has lived.  I hope she can come through this with the hope and excitement of knowing God is going to use this crap for something great and there is so much more that He has planned for her. I am so looking forward to our continued journey!  Now that it will be a journey together.  I once again have my own excitement back of that expectation of what God is going to do!  I cannot wait to see what is coming next.  I know there will be hard times as well but God is so much more than the troubles we have here on this earth.  I am so looking forward to heaven.  Cant wait to see my Savior face to face.  I so want to run through the meadows of heaven hand in hand with Him and just spend time with Him. Just to be in His presence.  Can you imagine it? God is so good!

Saying Goodbye

It is with a very sad and heavy heart that I write this.  I have known for awhile now that my cat is not going to be with us for long but another trip to the veterinarian says it is coming sooner than I had hoped.  He has a bad liver and there is no way to treat it for him.  The antibiotics made him even more sick than not having them, but then the liver does not get better.  He has been my little Rascal from day one.  He used to get inside the kleenex box and play peek-a-boo.  He is pretty good snuggler.  He likes to go outside and play with other cats and dogs.  He would sit in the window and just chatter up a storm at the hummingbirds that would taunt him.  He now sees them but does not have the energy or gumption to go chat with them.  It has been very hard to sit and watch him go down hill.  He is not suffering in pain, just nauseated all the time and turning more yellow from jondis setting in. He was at one time 23# and now he is only 11.9#.  He is fairly large boned so I know that sounds like a lot but for his structure it is not. He is so thin now.  My heart just breaks at the thought that he will not be here much longer.  He lived up to his name very well.  He thought that the middle of the night was a good time to taunt the other cat and rip through the house with his thundering foot steps and meowing to get him to chase him.  It was even better to land in the middle of the bed in the middle of the chase and wake everyone up.  It was not so funny while it was happening but I am sure going to miss it now.  It is amazing how much our hearts can love.  I am not so good at loving people but I sure can love animals.  I am learning to be vulnerable again and open my heart and I know this is just another step in God's plan for my life.  Maybe this will be the thing that tears open the flood gates of emotions that I have locked up and am terrified to open.  I can remember sitting in a counseling session and telling him that I can see me standing against the door that is bulging and trying to hold it closed so it does not break open.  I am still there.  I know that I need to let go but it absolutely terrifies me to think about loosing control of that and letting go.  I on the other hand want it to happen as well.  I know that it will be quite a flood but I think it will be a cleansing flood to wash away so much.  It would be good to have feeling again I think (hope).  If I knew how to put pictures on here I would post a picture of my Rascal.  Until it is over I will get as much snuggling I can with him and enjoy every minute I still have with him.  Thank you God for caring enough to give us animals to love and care for.

Little brother

Today is your birthday but you are not here to celebrate. You are celebrating in the presence of Jesus. Just want to say happy birthday and let you know how loved and missed you are! To tell you the truth I am a little jealous. You get to see Jesus face to face. I cannot wait for that day when all my pain, heartache, sadness and stress are gone. I long to be there with you in the presence of God almighty. But until then I will be happy for you and wish you a happy birthday little brother.

Relationships

Have you ever sat down and really got to know yourself, let alone anyone else?  I am still getting to know my husband but also at the same time I am getting to know myself.  I mean really getting to know myself.  This has been quite a journey so far and I believe it is far from over, but I am excited to see what is on the other side of this journey.  I am sure there will be some hard times to come but I will also come out with a better result and better me on the other side.  I am excited to get to know me the way God created me.  I am just as excited to get rid of the broken links in me that have caused many problems.  I have come to realize how I have setup walls around me to the point that I have shut everyone out including myself.  Truthfully I am afraid to get to know me in many ways.  I am walking this journey with memories coming back.  So far not so good ones but I am getting to know me and remembering!  It is revealing to me why I have done things that I have done.  Nothing that was necessarily put on me just how I learned to deal with life and circumstances.  Not necessarily a good way to do it, but it was my survival mode.  Now I am going from survival mode to living mode.  I just wish I could hit a fast forward button and be fully in the living mode with reconciliation and know who I am.  Don't get me wrong, I know who I am in the head just not in my heart.  It can be such a long distance from the head to the heart.  I am so thankful that God loves me and does not give up on me.  I have given up on myself way to many times.  I do not love myself and sometimes I detest myself.  I am learning to relive those memories as they come with a safe outcome knowing that my God is healing me one step at a time.  I am learning to open up and be vulnerible.  It is ok to talk and give feedback.  It is a very scary thing to do sometimes but it is coming. I know this is a little bit of a repeat but it really is going forward for me.  God is so good!