Chilly morning

It is Friday the 12th of January already. Wow. It is 27 outside but so beautiful.  It makes me feel like spring is just around the corner.  I wish, but we have not had winter yet so I will not get my hopes up to high.  It has been a fairly good week.  I am so thankful for what God is doing in my heart.  I am thinking it is time to mend things with my mom.  I just pray things go well.  I was reading a book by Frank Peretti last night that unknown to me was about bullying but he addresses other situations as well.  I was reminded once again that unforgiveness leads to bitterness and that can destroy your happiness.  I highlighted a small paragraph: "if you don't forgive those individuals who have hurt you in the past, you will be granting the bullies the power to take away your happiness in the future".  I have done this since I was 10 or younger, so for a very long time. As I have mentioned this was a realization for me about a month or so ago, so hence the change of heart and trying to forgive and get some happiness back into my life.  I am not sure I have ever had true happiness but am working on that.  And maybe happiness is not the correct word but joy is.  It is being satisfied no matter what the circumstance or situation at the time.  I am working hard on this with the crazy month at work.  I have been doing ok.  I only wanted to strangle one family when they came to get there dogs the other day and proceeded to chew on me for there lack of knowledge.  As you can see I still have struggles, but it is getting better.  I still have this expectancy feeling in my heart and am looking forward to what God is going to do this year in my life.  I am also on the weight loss journey as well and let me tell you that is so closely related to what I have been going through it is amazing.  There was a couple of months that I only lost a couple of pounds and looking back that was the two months that I really struggled with letting go of the hurts and angers and forgiving.  No I have not totally conquered that yet but it is better and as a result I have reached another marker in my weight loss.  It is amazing how we destroy our lives in so many different ways or facets.  So because I could not get past the hurt and anger I held people at bay and was trying to kill my body with the crap that I would eat and pile on the fat that was choking me slowly. I had all of the typical excuses: I had a hysterectomy that causes weight loss to be very difficult as well as I have a medical condition that I cannot get answers for.  As a result I cannot eat the typical "good stuff", whole grains and etc.  Those things make me sick.  I have pain daily and have to be careful what I eat so as not to make myself sick. I do not have crippling pain that keeps me from doing things per say or from functioning on a daily basis but it is enough that there are things that I cannot do.  I do not sleep well either because of the pain.  So I guess what I am saying is I have lots that I can use for excuses, but at this time I am choosing to not use them as excuses but work with it and do what I can do and to the best of my ability.  I pray this is helping someone out there.  I don't want to have a pity party or  a bunch of people saying they are sorry.  I want to have encouragement to continue my journey and hopefully I am helping someone out there!  I know that I need to somehow get past the abuse from my father and forgive.  I am not sure how to do that yet as I told a friend recently I do not want anything to do with him and could care less what happens to him.  That is pretty harsh for a daughter to say about her father, but that is where I am and so I know that is a place that I need help with.  That maybe done only through counseling or maybe that is the expectancy I feel in my heart. Maybe that is what God is going to do next in my life.  Well I think I have rambled long enough.  Find the wonderful things that God gives on a daily basis and keep on keeping on.  God bless!