what a year!

This has been such a long year and yet it feels as if everything that has happened, happened yesterday.  The 27th of this month will mark one year since the death of my middle brother.  Still hard to know he is gone!  September started the downward spiral of the decline of the relationship with my mother with final closure on Thanksgiving day.  I have gone through some counseling and made some big strides and yet I have not made very much forward progression in other areas.  My mind reals at what I have had to deal with and have overcome, but yet there is still so much more to overcome.  I am tired, and at times I just long to be with Jesus and forget about this world and all of the hurt and pain.  In another sense I want to continue on just to show myself how strong I can be with Jesus helping me get through this.  The problem in the past was I left God out because I did not trust anyone and that included God.  Now I am learning to open and am trying to trust but I am still struggling.  We are walking through what is a major trial for me to trust.  I feel as though once again I have been knocked down and kicked while down.  Once again I do not know what I am doing and that has been pushed into my face by my lawyer and the insurance adjuster.  You see my husband was hit two weeks ago at no fault of him, but we have been treated like it was his fault.  I am truly struggling in myself to keep going forward.  I think that as I continue to move forward I am going to get to know me even better.  I knew I was a stress eater but boy is that so clear to me today.  I made some very nummy oatmeal raising cookies and have eaten way to many, but I realized that I did that to not deal with the feelings that are beginning to stir.  This was one way to not let them surface and have to deal with them.  So now that I realize that, it will be a struggle to face that head on and deal with it.  Well I have to go to work and get through the rest of my day so off I go.  God bless!