Wednesday

As I sat and watched the biggest looser Monday night I had a revelation.  You see one of the contestants, Jackson, had a breakdown moment and in that moment he said he lived his whole life afraid to let people down and as a result is now fighting to get healthy as he turned to food.  My great revelation was this: I have lived my whole life letting people down. At least that is what I was told growing up from my parents, from cruel kids at school and just the way this world treats people.  So as a result I have lived my life to make sure that I do not rock the boat and cause grief for anyone.  I lived to please people at all cost and when I didn't then of course that just reiterated the script that I was not good enough and would never amount.  So now as I know this I am trying to live my life for Christ and rewrite the script in my head.  I still have a long ways to go but as each day is a new day to continue in this new frame of mind I continue to put one foot in front of the other.   I am learning more and more about myself.  I just wish that some people could see it to.  As I still grieve the loss of the relationship of my mother I find myself struggling to not write a long letter or just go to her in person and let her have it.  I know this is not the answer so I continue to trust in God and keep giving it to Him.  This is a daily battle and sometimes a minute by minute battle.  But now I know a little more about me and that means I am moving forward.   I have found that writing is a good way to release the anger, bitterness and hatred that I have bottled up and want to release sometimes on people.  As I write I don't hurt anyone and I still get it out.  When I feel I have finished releasing whatever it is I have to release then I will have a nice fire to put and end to the past.  Then I will have to find a way to celebrate the future, that I know will still have its struggles, but am looking forward to walking through it in a different light.  I only hope this is helping someone out there.  I still struggle to get the words down so you can understand and still have a hesitancy of what some people may think of me.  I am pushing through though and cannot worry about what other people think of me.  All I need to worry about is what God thinks of me.  God Bless!