Healing....

It has been a long while since I have posted anything on here.  I have had quite a journey these last couple of years.  I truly feel I am finally achieving some healing in my life.  I am truly feeling a weight being lifted off of my shoulders as I face the facts.  I have been hurt in my life but I have used that hurt to manipulate and play the victim.  I did not purposely set out to do that, that is just how I functioned.  I can remember the day sitting in counseling and being told I was manipulating.  Wow what a slap in the face but as I have processed through all of this and come to realize on my own that I also play the victim really well I realized it was so true.  It has been freeing to finally face the fact and change what I can with the help of my Jesus.  I still have no contact with my mom or brother but at this time that is ok.  They need to have some time to process as well.  I have hurt as much as I have been hurt so we all need time to heal.  It is such a good feeling to know there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Even better yet there is an end to the dark tunnel.  As I process this and spend more time with God to continue this path of healing I am feeling lighter and lighter day by day.   I have an expectation again in my heart.  I am also looking forward to women's camp this year through our church.  I truly feel there is something for me this year.  I have also learned that expectation may not always be fluff and fun.  It can be hurts and lets downs that lead to healing.  So with that said I am not going to women's camp with expectation of being on the mountain top only.  I may find I am in the valley again but now I know that can be so freeing once I walk through it with my hand in the hand of God. As with anything that is worth while there is work involved and sometimes that work can hurt.  I have many things to look forward to and am doing so with the expectation that it will just be more and more freeing for me personally.  I do have one request of all of you.  This is my 25th anniversary this summer and we are renewing our vows with a wedding.  I would appreciate prayer that we can truly heal as a couple and I will truly marry my best friend this august.  Because of the crap I have gone through and the wrong reasoning I do not communicate well and so that is a rough spot in our marriage that is as well getting better but have more to go.  We will also be grandparents for the first time this fall and am very excited for that as well.  I want to love my Jesus/God more and more every day that it is evident on my face as well as how I live my life.  I want to be a good grandma to my grandson and a good wife and mother and person.  I also have learned to say no when needed and not let people walk on me, but also need to keep that in perspective of what God wants me to do and not what I want or don't want to do.  I am trying to be much more sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit in my life.  Alan and I have been talking about this for both of us.  We are both trying to be much more open to the Holy Spirit in our lives.  I truly wish I would not have been so selfish and would have began this journey a long time ago, but here I am and I know it is where I need to be right now.  I have learned so much and will continue to learn as long as I am on this earth.  God is so wonderful and I am so thankful that NOTHING takes Him by surprise like it does me.  He knew all along how this was going to go for me but He never left my side and He knows the end and for that I am so grateful.  This is not to say there will not be hard times to come but I have to remember to keep my focus on my saving Father and what He has done for me so far.  God is Good and so worthy of our praise.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  I have heard this verse and gone to this verse many times but again I put this into my box of what I thought this meant.  This must truly mean that nothing bad will happen and life will be good, but God uses all kinds of situations and circumstances to teach us and my included crap from my childhood, the death of one of my brothers and even the non-communication with my mother.  I have longed for this as long as I can remember but God has been trying to get me to rely on Him and Him only then this will fall into the proper place.  It has been a long and hard lesson for me to learn but I think I am finally learning.  Matthew 6:33 says "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."  I am learning!  So very excited about the near future and beyond as I know it won't all be easy but I do know it will be well worth it.  God bless you all!