friday feb 10th...

It has been two weeks today since the passing of my brother.  I just don't know how to process all of the roller-coaster emotions that I have.  Tomorrow is the celebration of life but it just feels so wrong.  I am not questioning God but how can this be?  How do I process this?  I have begun writing letters to different ones in the family.  This is another step forward in my process of healing.  I have found this to be very therapeutic.  Who would have thought that I would say that.  It has been very hard to sleep this past week.  I think because I am still processing the whole loss and because I have started to put feelings to words.  I will never send these letters, but it is good to finally get the feelings out and put words to the hurt and anger and good times. I was not allowed to talk about feelings growing up and I find it very hard to do it now.  I wish I could just sit and talk with someone for hours at a time to start to get it all out.  Who in the world is going to sit that long and listen  to me?  I know that as I write it is helping to get it out and I feel better.  So I guess as I continue this hard ride I will learn how to process and how to get it out so I do not stuff it inside.  I really just feel like someone has sucker punched me and I cannot breathe.  Well I have much to do today before we leave to head to mom's for the weekend.  I will process more and bring an update when I can.  Please just pray for my family as we process together this weekend.  I just need time to process and maybe soon time to talk about it.  God never gives us more than we can handle, but sometimes it feels overwhelming.  I guess that is why we cannot rely on our feelings and have to trust!  TRUST!!!! I think this is my big lesson to learn through this whole thing.  It is hard but I better start figuring it out or the lessons will just keep coming.  God bless!