blessings????

As I read the blogs that I follow this morning, I am looking for comfort and peace.  I have not been keeping up with them, so had a few to read.  I have been awake since about 3:30 this morning.  Once my husband had left for work I decided it was time to blog again, but not sure about what.  As I am struggling to find the expectancy that I had just a few short weeks ago, I am at a standstill.  It seems the wind has been sucked out of my sails and I am just going in circles.  As I read the blogs, I also realize I have not written in my gratitude journal in a long time.  I have struggled with that ever since I started, but at least I was writing something here and there.  Through the struggle of losing my brother and spending some time talking with my youngest brother, I realized I am focused on the negative again and not counting the blessings.  The pain of loss, the hurt of my broken heart from childhood wounds and to hear of the hurts of my brothers tears my heart open more.  But in-spite of the hurts I need to count the blessings!  Why is that so hard to do?  I am alive.  I know my Savior and Lord!  Why can't I see all the beauty and wonder that He lavishes on me daily?  I am so thankful that my brother Leland did not survive the accident.  I am so thankful that he knew his Lord and Savior as well, which means I will see him again.  I am very grateful for the sunshine that we had during this very difficult time in my family's lives to deal with the hurt.  Had it been rainy and dreary I think that would have made the hurt even more just because of the natural depression that comes with it.  I just wish I had the time to just bask in the whole event and let time do what it needs to do.  I want to just spend time in Gods creation in the sun doing the "healing".  I don't even know for sure what the "healing" looks like.  Maybe it is crying, sobbing, wailing or just being quiet.  I don't know just wish I could do it.  I am grateful that we have the capacity to love as we do.  Without that capacity we would not feel the sting of death or the wonder of life.  Could you imagine a world without love????  How terrible that world would be.  As much as it hurts when family does things that are not right, that is only because we love and want to have love as well as give love.  If there was not love then it would not hurt when we are wronged or see someone who is wronged.  So I am grateful for a God who is love and gives us that capability to love others.  As much as it can hurt to love, it is also so very wonderful to love and receive love.  I have had many emotions these last two and a half weeks, but the greatest has been the love that I have for my little brother who is now with Jesus and also for my other two little brothers who are still here on this earth.  I know I will never fully understand this side of heaven, love and all that entails, but I get it a little more each day.  How great it will be when we get to heaven and we are made perfect and can fully love!  What a day that will be.  Leland has that now and I am so grateful he does.  He is healed and made perfect!  How can anything compare to that?  As I pray for others during there times of loss, hurt, pain or whatever they are struggling with, I learn to love a little bit more.  If only I could get the full concept into my heart, then maybe I could forgive and love those who have or are hurting now.  I am really struggling with that, but am trying to dig in deeper to God and his unending source of love and forgiveness.  I know I must forgive to be forgiven, just struggling with how that looks and works out.  I know that nothing is impossible with God and that is my life line.  Some promises from God's word for you and for me:  Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit, Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. How awesome is that?  Please continue to pray for my family as we process this time in our lives.  I really do want to see the blessings and not the hurts and frustrations.  God bless you in your journey!