hurting...

Where do I start?  I got the call Friday night January 27th at 8 pm.  A friend of my mother's was calling the family to let us all know that my middle brother of 34 years died that afternoon in an "equipment related" accident.  Leland was an out doors man all the way.  I don't believe he ever worked inside any where.  He loved to log, hunt, fish and camp.  He always had a dog at his side and a cat here and there.  He was at the neighbors house doing some work with a bobcat.  Still not sure what exactly he was doing.  The neighbor Walt, had to go to town for a couple of hours.  He talked with Leland just before he left at 2 pm and was home just before 4 pm. He noticed the shop door open so went to see if he could find Leland, but no response, so he thought maybe he went into the house to use the bathroom but again no response.  He then noticed the bobcat was running and had a major puddle of oil under it.  He was aware of the oil leak but usually they did not run it long enough at a time to cause such a leak.  So since he could not find Leland he decided to shut the bobcat down and that is when he found him.  As he climbed on to shut it down he then saw Leland crumpled under the bucket of the bobcat.  So he immediately called 911.  Leland was wearing a welding helmet at the time, so not sure if he was welding something and needed to move the bobcat bucket to get under it and it came down on him later or was he reaching in to move the bucket rather than climb in and hit the wrong pedal?  Not sure but he definitely did not suffer.  The coroner said that he had a large gash on his leg that did not bleed due to the heart not pumping.  His neck was broke.  At the viewing we could see a large bulge on his neck and bruising on the left side of his neck.  It was difficult to see him laying there.  I was watching for him to breath or as my mother said, he looked like he wanted to open his eyes and had a slight smile on his face.  Now he is cremated and gone from the tangible sight but so very much alive in my heart.  He was very artistic and we will all have a piece of his art work.  He drew, painted, carved and made things from scratch.  He was in the process of making a gun, he made arrow heads and had several little carvings.  He was so talented!  Now how do I put this into my journey to continue forward.  I decided this morning I cannot let this derail my journey.  It may have sidelined me for a time, but who's brother does not do that once in awhile?   As I wrote in my last post I really felt my next move was going to be to contact Leland and let him know about my journey as I know that Leland suffered at the hands of my father as I did and very possibly at the hands of a grade school teacher.  As a result he did the typical thing and buried it and was so unhappy inside.  He was hurting!  I truly felt that was the next step in my journey was to let him know how I have found some healing, but now that is not possible.  But what could be better than the healing he has received?  We do believe he is in heaven with our Lord and Savior.  He will be missed but so thankful he did not survive the accident as he would not have been able to live as a quadriplegic. So now back to my journey and what does God have for me.  With my expectant heart for this year I never would have thought that would include the death of my middle brother.  I am ready to have the service so we can move on.  I am thankful that in-spite of the heart aches, God still gives us blessings everyday.  I just have to look for them rather than focus on the hurt.  God is sovereign and I will not question Him in this.  We call this a freak accident and I have said, he did not even get to live his life, but this is not a freak accident.  God ordained Leland's days here on this earth.  He knew when he would be born and when he would die.  It did not take God by surprise.  I am so thankful that I can put my trust in God and now that nothing takes Him by surprise.  I can rest in His keeping.  So as I continue on in my journey, I invite you to continue to follow and continue in your journey.