anticipation.....

I have a spark of it back.  Wow! who would have thought.  I am excited and nervous at the same time.  Sometimes what we think is coming is exactly the opposite.  I would have never dreamed the death of my middle younger brother would be a part of my new year, but God knew.  I have to trust! It is still very hard to do, but I know that is where I need to be.  So as I come to the realization that I have to trust God and then others, as scary as that is for me, I know that is a part of the anticipation.  I have to open myself up to be vulnerable and be big enough to take the hurt and heeling that comes with that.  My savior came to this earth and lived 331/2 years just to die in my place.  He had wonderful times as well as awful times on this earth, but he came willingly.  I can be more open and knock more of the wall down to get the heeling I so desperately need. It is time to take back what I have given away by being in my little box.  I will not be ran over again but now I am putting myself up to be available and vulnerable.   I am not saying this will be easy but this is where I feel I need to be.  I have been so hurt with Leland's death not only because he is gone but I was also feeling guilty.  I did not know my brother.  I did not know the music he listened to, what he read and the personal struggles that he was dealing with on a daily basis.  He died a drug user, but I know he struggled with what he knew was right.  He was hurt and turned to something that got him addicted.  I know lots of people would talk down on him, but when you are addicted to something you need treatment or a miracle.  He got his by going to be with our Lord and savior.  I love him and miss him, but it is time to move on.  I will struggle next month as our birthdays where only six days apart.  It will be hard but I can go on!  With God's help I will continue on and know that I can do anything with God's help.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  For me this includes the death of Leland, but I still am looking for the wonder of God's plans!  How about you, can you say you are looking for God's plans in your life no matter what has happened?  I have had really rough days believe me.  Sunday I was on the brink of tears and still at the same time was angry.  I could not put words to it.  I do not know why, but I recognize I am not perfect and never will be this side of heaven, but am really leaning on God to get me through.  I encourage you to do the same.  God bless.