the beginning

In the beginning.....  I suppose that in the beginning I had a decent start in life. Things where pretty good till about the age of ten. I have three younger brothers and no sisters. I so wanted to have a sister, but that was not God's plan.  My mom had to be flat on her back that last month or more of her last pregnancy so I was put into the "mom" role and I had to cook, clean, babysit, laundry and etc. Which would have been ok I guess but in the midst of all of that I also became the victim of abuse. First it was mental ( i guess that is what it is called) then moved to sexual and physical abuse.  I was told that I would never amount to anything because I could not cook, clean, keep house, etc.  Then if my brothers did something that was wrong that was my fault as I was the oldest and in charge of them. Again remember that I was only 10, but as a kid you take everything that is said as gold.  I wanted so bad to prove that I could do all that was expected of me, but it seemed the harder I tried the less I seemed to do right.  Moving through the years and now on my own and married and doing this assignment(blogging our life's story) for our women's Sunday school class is a big stretch for me.  I am learning to put my life on the line open and vulnerable. I am trying to be optimistic about this but even as I write I can feel the panic flood in. I am not a writer and I do not know how to put into words the feelings I have.  I pray that as I journey through this time of healing that I can somehow help someone else in there journey.  We are currently reading the book titled One Thousand Gifts by Ann Vaskamp.  I so relate to her in the beginning of her book, with clenched fist and asking how can a good God allow....?  That is how I came up with the name of my blog Laura in recovery.  This is just the beginning of my healing and trying to open up my very tightly clenched fist and take in the gifts of grace that God gives daily.  I love God but need to allow him into every corner of my heart and learn to trust Him fully.  As I journey this I invite you to join me in finding the good God that does allow things to happen in our lives for reasons I may not understand now or ever but I trust that God is in total control. I am not looking for sympathy or fix-its, just an invite to walk the journey of finding Gods grace in all things.