the continuing saga.......

Well here I am again and not sure where to go from here. I am trying to move thru a lot of feelings as I wrote the beginning of my story and know there is so much more that needs to be said not just to tell it but to put feelings to it and names to what has happened so I can heal.  Things and memories are beginning to surface that I have forgot or did not know what it really was.
   My family has never been close on either my mother or father's side. I can never remember a time that both sides got together for any family function, let alone for one side to get together for anything. I have longed to have a close family but that is not the case and I need to get past that.   As I said previously I have three brother's of which are all younger than myself and no sister's. I wanted a sister so bad that when the last brother came along I wanted nothing to do with him at the time.  As time went on and he came home, we became very close. Now with age and distance we are sadly not so close.  He has had his struggles as well, but I do miss the closeness we had. When I got to my teen years, I spent as much time as I could at my friend's house or outside with my animals.  I could always talk to my animals.  They kept every secret! lol.
    I have said as long as I can remember that I did not want to be like my parents but I see them in me more every day and that is very difficult.  So part of my struggle now is trying to not be like them, and I know that I need to let that go and let God take care of me.  I truly have a trust issue and this is a major struggle for me.  How do I learn to trust when family and friends have cut into my soul so deep?  Even now there is a rift in the family that is getting bigger by the day.  I know that I am suppose to forgive and forget and let God take care of me, but it is coming back that I am the reason for the rift.  How is it only one persons fault when there are several people involved. It seems the more I pray and try to move on the worse it is falling in on me.  I know this is sounding very selfish but this is where I am. 
     I have been a loner as long as I can remember and am loving it.  I know that I need to reach out to help others and accept help, but I am struggling with this.  I prefer to just go into my shell and put my mask on and put the walls up.  I have very clenched fist right now but deep down I want to have the open hands that accept God's blessings and even look for them in the midst of my struggles.  Have any of you been here?  Or is anyone of you here now?  I invite you to read this book if you are not already and walk the journey with me.  Again the book is called "one thousand gifts" by Ann Vascamp.  Sorry for the ranting but please pray that this will one day be something I look back on and say God was there the whole time.  I know it in my head but I need to get that from my head to my heart.
    More to come later.