Who would have thought that Zumba would be therapy not only for the body but also for the soul that is locked up with grief, anger and hurt. Thanks Amanda for the talk as well as the work out.
Reading and rereading this book is hard but good. I get something new each time. "The only real fall of man is his noneucharistic life in a noneucharistic world. That was the fall! Non eucharisteo, ingratitude, was the fall-humanity's discontent with all that God freely gives. That is what has scraped me raw: ungratefulness." Wow this is truly me. I am ungrateful because I only see the negative in my life. Three brothers no sisters, abuse, told I will never amount to anything and that all is my fault, when in reality, there was all of that but so much more! I have three brother's, a mom and dad. Granted the relationships are strained but I do have a family. I am married with a son of my own who is recently married. I have a church family that is amazing. I have a job that I love and so on and so on. I am very thankful for a husband that loves me and is willing to put up with my crap as I learn to heal and really start to understand eucharisteo! "Eucharisteo-thanksgiving-always precedes the miracle." "What precedes the miracle is Thanksgiving, eucharisteo, and it is a greek word with a hard meaning that is harder yet to live. Do I really want to take up this word?" Yes and no. I already see the skid marks as I drag my feet but I also know deep inside that it is ok to take this journey. I realize it will be so much better on the other side!
To give a little more of my past.... I was determined to be a veterinarian and also get married and have a family. Well I did not make it to my first goal of being a veterinarian. I am married and have a son as previously stated, but wanted to have two children. After seven miscarriages and two ectopic or tubal pregnancies that dream also another let down. I have taken that the miscarriages where my fault or my punishment for all that happened in my younger life. And now the current rift in the family is coming back on my head that it is my fault again. So hopefully you see how I got to this point of feeling like it is my fault. So now to learn eucharisteo. I am taking little steps and trying to be grateful instead of ungrateful. Even as I write this my heart breaks because of the ungrateful attitude that I have taken on. There is so much to be grateful for in my life. I know that in my head but again I have to get it to my heart as well. I must first grieve those things that I have lost in my life and let go, instead of keep it in and become angry. I need to move on from that child frame of mind and grow up mentally. It will start with the grieving then as I do this I will have to make an effort to be grateful for what is good and every blessing in and around my life daily. It is time to break that hard shell that I have put around my heart and let the warmth of love flood in. This will be a process I know, but am willing to take the steps necessary. Thank you God for the ability to write thus far my journey and ask for help in every step! Thank you Lindsay for the book and encouragement to take this journey. Until next time...
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