Test and Trials

I do believe I am being tested on my new/renewal of the mind.  I sent a quick text to my mother last night to see if she still had something that she borrowed from me and if she was using it. If not I would like to get it back.  I am trying to finish my weight loss with the goal of a wedding dress in August.  But instead of a quick yes or no I got an angry phone call that included "is there anything else I need to return?"  So now I have my answer on where she stands with me.  I cut all ties with her as of last night.  My heart grieves the loss of my mother and yet at the same time I want to go back and show her where she is wrong.  Prove my innocence and linger on the "how she is doing me wrong" but I cannot do that and will not do that.  God is my protector and He will take care of this for me.  I just need to lean on Him and trust Him.  This is a huge step in my journey that is not easy at all.  As the holidays come and now I have to learn to grieve the loss of my immediate family I am still determined to be thankful and grow closer to my heavenly father than ever before.  So yes I am thankful during this test and trial as I am still walking closer to my God and working on my earthly relationships as well.  I now have no doubt of where we stand as a mother and daughter.  Even though it is hard it is final and there is no more guessing or hoping.  I can now move on and develop other relationships with my church family and friends and not feel guilty or wonder if it would be ok with my mother.  I aim to please and tend not to stand up for myself, but that is shifting as well.  Now I will do what I feel is good and right for me and not wonder if it is good enough for anyone else.  This of course under the will of God.   I long for a mother and more than that a friend in my mother.  That will not happen with my biological mother so I trust God will give me the desire of my heart with a good friend or whomever He chooses for me.  I desire to have a close friendship with a girlfriend that I can talk with, laugh with and grow close with.  Again I trust that God will provide.  I am beginning to have wishes or dreams again of what I want in my life and what I want to do with my life.  The very thing that I feared when I started this journey of sharing with others and helping others with the same kind of heartaches is now becoming my passion.  I do not want to stand up and announce all my struggles, hurts and let downs to a bunch of people but I do long to let others, that are there or have been there and have not been able to get free of the past, know there is a way out and it is through Jesus Christ and loving people who want to help.  Maybe this is how I will learn to grieve.  I have not grieved any of the losses in my life because I do not know how.  I fear the grieving process because I do not know what it will look like for me.  It is the fear of the unknown that all of mankind deals with.  Once there is a name or label than we move on with what needs to be done.  But until we have been able to identify that fear we tend to make it bigger or "badder" than it really is sometimes.  Once we have labeled it than we move into fix mode or whatever mode to take care of it.  Than once we have conquered it and look back we see it wasn't as big or bad as we once imagined.  I know there are instances out there where it will be but not as often as we tend to think.  So as I begin another day and let go of another hurt or disappointment I am thankful for a heavenly father that can take care of this for me and will take care of this for me.  I am thankful for the journey to come and the adventures that it will bring.  I know that some of those adventures will require some hard work but will be rewarding in the end.  You do not get to the top of the mountain without first gearing up and doing the hard work of the climb, but what a spectacular view when you reach the top.  God bless!