Fall

I am writing this on Tuesday November 6^th 2012.  Not sure when it will get posted to my blog as I have been without home internet for quite some time.  This past year has been quite a ride.  I lost my middle brother at the end of January and shortly there after began counseling.  I found out some very hard things about myself.  I was as much a manipulator as any other because of the way I learned to deal with hurt and anger.  I became a recluse and did not let anyone or anything in to protect myself but at the same time I manipulated the situation to make sure I would not get hurt.  That was a hard day for me.  I have since also learned that my family is not necessarily my blood family.  I have been blamed for the abuse done to me in more than one way and so have cut all ties with my immediate family.  My church family and friends are much more family to me.  That is a hard thing to swallow but at the same time it is very comforting to me as well.  It hurts to know that I  have a dad that is living but is not my dad and a mom who is blaming me for many things and is not willing to see past her own hurts and angers to reach out and help.  I pray that some day she will be able to deal with her own hurt and anger, which she says she does not have, and be able to live!  I am learning to be vulnerable and to be strong for myself for the first time in my life.  This has been a long and hard process but I can truly say that it is freeing to be able to stand on the other side of some of the really hard things that I have gone through.  To some the “things” that I have dealt with would be quite trivial to them but to me it was huge.  I am thankful for a counselor that has walked through his own counseling and knows what I was feeling and how hard it was to walk that road.  I still have more to do and many more things to sort through but wow what a release to be where I am today compared to one year ago.  I have also been told that I am a pessimist not an optimist.  That was a bit hard to swallow and in fact was a bit of friction for a couple of days, but is also true.  I am changing my way of thinking as well as my outlook on things.  For example just yesterday at work I was the only one in the front office as my co-worker called in sick.  So it makes for quite a busy day when I am the only one answering two phone line, checking clients in and out and trying to catch up from the work load of Saturday as well as yesterday.  Just as recent as two months ago I would have gone to not so good a place and would not have been a pleasant person to deal with.  Yes there where some times yesterday but for the most part I think I did well.  It is little things like this that are mile markers for me.  Again this might be trivial to others but huge for me.  As the holidays come I would like to check out but this year will be a purposeful year to really see the day for what it is.  I am daily being thankful for something this month as we are in the thanksgiving month.  Next month is Christmas and we are celebrating the birth of our savior.  This has always been a hard month for me because of the worldly views.  Yes even I get caught up in the gift giving when I should be and will be this year overjoyed with the realization that God loves me enough to send his only son to this earth to be my savior.  What a gift.   The gift of life that was given to me through the baby Jesus!  As you can see this has been quite a journey that is still very much under way.  God bless you all!