emotions....

I have discovered that because of the hurt that I have endured most of my life that I have built walls either so high or have stuffed things so deep that I have no connection with my emotions.  I wondered why I have not had that moment or day or whatever it would/will be when I have lost loved ones.  I was feeling really ashamed because I just thought that would come, but it has not for many years, including the recent loss of my middle brother.  I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me and was afraid to even say anything to anyone because of the shame I was feeling.  So now that I know what is going on and do not have to feel ashamed any longer I question, what now?  How do I get back in touch with my emotions?  And do I want to get in touch with my emotions?  I know I want to but feel apprehension because I do not know what that looks like.  I have begun the counseling process and am hopeful as I was told that, although this is going to get harder before it gets easier, there is hope.  I have not been told that before so I do have light at the end of the tunnel.  Right now it is small but there is light.  I also understand that light will more than likely get smaller or non existent at times as I go through this process.  On my road to recovery I hope to become a whole person.  I don't remember ever really being whole.  I look around and see other people who seem to be whole and have things together, and I want to feel that way.  Of course we as humans are really good at putting on masks so maybe what I am seeing is not real, but sure want to feel that I can just enjoy life and dream again. I want to be able to laugh!  Not just the little laugh but real hardy laugh that feels good.  I have not done that in 3 years or more.  I can even remember the last time i did and it was silly but it sure felt good.   As I was talking in my counseling, I have not dreamed for a long time.  The dreams that I had did not come to fruition and that seems that is how my life has gone, so why dream?  I am afraid to dream.  I am afraid to want something because I may not get it and I do not feel I deserve it.  I have been told enough times and hit replay on the recorder enough to know that I do not deserve anything.  So as I continue to work hard on that wrong thinking and continue the walk down counseling lane to learn to retrain my brain to the correct way of thinking and begin to accept who I am in Christ, I anticipate some very rough and rocky roads but know it will lead to better roads ahead.  As I go back and relive the emotions that I had when I had emotions and see a different outcome, then I will be able to get in touch with that part of me again.  My ultimate goal is to forgive people the wrong done to me and be able to live my life without having to look over my shoulder or feel I owe everyone else all that I can give and I do not deserve anything for myself.  As a result of carrying the burden around this long I have put myself into a prison that all those people and hurts are in control of, even if I do not have contact with them now.  I have allowed this and it only results in hurts for my family and those around me.  I tend to punish other people by keeping them at bay and not allowing them into my life.  I have to learn to be vulnerable again knowing that yes I will get hurt but it will not be the same kind of hurt that I endured as a little girl.  I have survived the ordeal thus far, so I know I will endure what comes with the help of my big brother, Jesus!  I look forward to healing and yet am nervous at the same time.  I do not know what how this healing is all going to come about, but again I have that light at the end of the tunnel.  I also know when you get out of the tunnel there is lots of light!  I am excited for that day!!!  I will keep you posted on the progress and do ask for your prayers as I walk this road in my life at this time.  God promises He will never give us more than we can handle, but I also know He stretches us, as well, to grow us in Him.  He also will never leave me nor forsake me, and this is my promise that I am leaning on right now!  God bless!