It has been a week since my last post but so much seems to have happened in just one week. I have Fridays off so I went hunting again. I was on the mountain by 6:40 am and did not leave till a little after one that afternoon. Did I see anything NO! How frustrating. Once again I get stuck on the situation instead of focusing on the gifts that God is giving me. It started out foggy and cold but broke off to be a beautiful day. Full of birds singing, gentle breeze and the wonderful smell of trees. I love to be standing in the middle of a re-prod of Douglas Fir trees and just inhale the scent of trees. It reminds me of Christmas when you bring in your fresh cut tree. So in the process of my pouting about not seeing anything I did begin to cry out to God. I still find myself to afraid to really let go even to God my heavenly father. How do I get over the top? I feel like I get to the crest then roll backwards. Why can't I even trust my heavenly father????? Then I had to work Saturday, which went well, and come home to my hubby trying to replace our back door. After 6 hours and a trip back to home depot to get the right door he finished. I find that he has been having the same kind of day I had Friday. I know where he is but nothing seems to help. You just have to work through it. (By the way he did a great job on the door. First time for him to do this.)
With the holidays coming I think I am taking on more stress, because yes things are better in the family dynamic but they will never be the same, so how do you get together with the family and just move on. In some respect I would like to get them all together and sit them down and let them know where I am and where I have come from, but is that selfish??? Do I just want them to say Oh poor Laura???? No and yes. Or is it I want certain ones to see what they did in my past that has pushed me to where I am? YES and NO. I seem to be good at putting myself in the middle of a dilemma! I sometimes think I thrive on stress and yet I hurt so much physically and emotionally, why do I do this? I feel like I am going crazy! I just want to have a peaceful day or two and be able to enjoy! Is that to much to ask for? I think I am ranting. Time to move on. This is hard to be brutally honest. I guess I needed this more than I thought. I also am thankful for this as it is a healing for me! Thank you for "listening" reading. Please just keep praying. I do feel that I am getting closer to that "letting it all go". I know that is what I need just hard to get to the point of trust or just don't care what others think of it. I just feel like falling apart at times and others I just clam up. So please just keep praying!!!! Also I am really struggling with writing my blessings down. I feel as though I am taking the easy way out when I mentally thank God for something, but feel it is to trivial to put on paper. PRAY!!!
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