time

Where does time go?  It is Friday again at the end of the month of October.  How can this be?  How can time go this quickly and yet I feel I have made no move forward in my recovery?  As I go back and reread the book I read about time.  "Time is a relentless river.  It rages on, a respecter of no one.  And this, this is the only way to slow time: When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here.  I can slow the torrent by being all here.  I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment.  And when I'm always looking for the next glimpse of glory, I slow and enter.  And time slows.  Weigh down this moment in time with attention full and the whole of time's river slows, slows, slows."  "Wherever you are, be all there.  I have lived the runner panting ahead in worry, pounding back in regrets, terrified to live in the present, because here-time asks me to do the hardest of all: just open wide and receive".  How do I do this?  It sounds so easy but in reality it is very hard for me.  How do I open up and receive.  I have put a huge wall up and I am so afraid to tear it down that I cannot receive.  I am afraid to let you in because then you would see all the "stuff" or "crap" that I have done or has been done to me and I am ashamed.  I want to have a normal life, whatever normal is.  I am sure my husband wants to have a somewhat normal wife.  How do I get there????  How do I get past the feeling sorry for myself, as my husband put it?  I feel if I just move on then the injustice was not handled and may just continue to go on.  So I guess I want to see punishment for the wrong, but I may never see that.  That is not my responsibility either.  I know this in my head so how do I get it to my heart and just let go?  My fist are still so tightly clenched that I can't even pry them open.  I can see God waiting with open arms for me, but I can't seem to reach Him.  I know that it goes back to lack of trust in anyone including God.  I almost feel I just need to have a total melt down then I can reach Him.  Is this the answer?  Even that scares me.  To just let go and melt??  Wow this is really deep for me.  Just a few paragraphs further in the book the author Ann talks of how she can meet God in the slow of time.  "The clock ticks slow.  I hear it for what it is: good and holy.  Time, what God first deemed holy above all else(Genesis 2:3).  Thank God for the time, and very God enters that time, presence hallowing it.  True, this, full attention slows time and I live the full of the moment, right to outer edges. But there's more.  I awake to I AM here.  When I'm present, I meet I AM, the very presence of a present God.  In His embrace, time loses all sense of speed and stress and space and stands so still and ....holy.  Here is the only place I can love Him."  Here is the only place I can love Him?  What exactly does that mean?  I want to get my head and heart wrapped around that and fully understand that!  "Thanksgiving makes time."  Thank you for listening.  God thank you for the ability to write.  Thank you for yet another day to be thankful for the blessing you give daily.  Thank you for sunshine on the beautiful trees in there fall splendor.  Thank you for the birds fluttering around and singing.  THANK YOU THANK YOU GOD!!!!  Until next time.