well....

Well I sat down and wrote a brief letter to a family member this morning.  It was not easy.  I once again froze up and could not get my feelings down on paper to this person.  I just want to get this crap out of my life and heal, but how do i do that if I freeze and can't seem to get feelings out or down on paper?  I know this is a process but how I wish it would just happen.  I want to feel free inside instead of bound up with all the negative that has occurred and is occurring in my life right now.  I know that I need to be thankful in all and at all times.  I am trying to do just that but again that is a process as well.  If it weren't for that original sin of ingratitude where would we be now?  God is patient and loving to work with me and show me how to get on the road to recovery.  My goal this week is to start a journal of my thanks.  It has been a hard thing for me to do, but I know the more I read the book the more I need to step out and do this journal. Thanks always precedes the miracle.  I want to look back on this someday and say God was in it and as a result all is well.  I pray that would be the outcome.  At this point I fear that because of the family rift that my side of the family will drift even further apart and their will be no contact.  Just proving how dysfunctional the family has been and still is.  I don't think there is a family that is not dysfunctional somehow but it seems so painful when I am in the midst of the rift that seems to be getting worse.  I know that I am not alone in this.  No one is alone in anything that they are going through.  I know there have been plenty of times that I felt alone.  I know that is because I was ashamed of what has happened and I have not been willing to talk about it.  I would just stuff it inside and kept piling the crap higher and higher.  No wonder I am such a mess.  As I watch TV and see animal hoarders and how filthy there homes are because they have so many wild animals that make messes wherever, the animals and people are sick. So how am I any better hoarding all those hurts and feelings deep inside of me, to the point I have made myself sick both spiritually and physically.  So now I am in the process of shoveling all that crap out and cleaning up and sanitizing.  I am sure there is going to be some painful times as things are tossed, but the end will be worth it.  That is what I am hoping for and know in my head, just have to get it to my heart.  God says he will not give you more than you can handle but what about myself?  Will I put more on myself than I can handle?  I think so! Now I have to say no and concentrate on what God is saying to do, not what I think I have to do to please people.  Well I am rambling and have much to do before going to work.  God bless all of you.